lifeworksblog.com

You know those housing developments that seem to go up in way less time than it seems like it should have taken. The ones that are bound to be made of material somewhat resembling some type of paper mache instead of good old solid sheetrock. It happened to me once. sort of. I tried to wash my great dane in my brand spanking new apartments fancy bathtub. On the way out of the tub she crashed straight through the siding of the tub. gaping hole.  Apparently the apartment knew the crappy construction they were dealing with.  I got my entire deposit back.  Relationships can be a bit like crappy construction.

Too much of the time a relationship takes off.  Fireworks light up the sky.  Butterflies fill the chicks tummys.  It’s like moving into a fancy new apartment or a house.  You start to unpack.  Get the furniture arranged in just the right spots.  And then the pictures get hung up on the wall.  And before you know it each room is completed in it’s on way.  It’s that way that looks like everything has it’s place.  Where there is a comfortability because to the outside it seems to fit.  The photos all show you having a good time.  The wall paint matches the decor of the couch and the new rug.

At some point things start to change.  What was once new construction begins to fade and what’s called settling occurs.  As this settling occurs what you are left with is the truth behind the fasad.  All good construction has one very important thing in common.  A solid foundation.  No relationship can survive without it.  You can have the best looking rooms with the best pictures, fanciest furniture, and color coordination, but as time wears on without a solid foundation eventually the walls start to crack and the house starts to sink.

A solid foundation to any relationship is a friendship.  It’s the kind of friendship where you know you want to grow old with the other person.  The one where you can’t picture that person not being in your life.  It’s the type of foundation where no matter how far apart at different times two people get within minutes no time has passed.

The last few years as i went from owning a house in a marriage to owning a house as a single girl in her thirties i learned alot about myself.  Moving into my own home after living in one with someone else that felt so foundation-less wasn’t easy.  I spent alot of time making each room look like it was okay.  Like somehow that meant that i was okay.  At the same time i couldn’t be in those rooms, or i wouldn’t allow myself to accept those rooms.  They didn’t feel right.  What i have come to see and learn about myself is that the reason why those rooms didn’t feel right was because i still lacked a solid foundation of my own.  I had to learn to exist on my own, without the fancy furniture, color coordiated walls, and new rug before i could trust that this time the foundation wasn’t going to sink.  I had to learn what went into the foundation.  I had to learn how to mix the concrete, pour it out, level it, and let it dry.

Through that process i’ve gained alot.  I’m no longer waiting on the quicksand underneath my feet, which fueled alot of fear.  On the other side of fear is his devious evil brother control.  Neither are ingredients to pour homogenous concrete.  It’s with my own foundation that i feel solid.  I’m solid alone with the walls of my home.  I’m also solid in what i have to offer a relationship.  I come with my own foundation for a change.

Eating disorders are horrible things to fight. Once you can get a grip of it and gain a foothold, you learn that all the behaviors are flags of a deeper hidden meaning. If you can learn to embrace that instead of fear it your road to recovery will get a little easier. Picture it as layers of an onion. The food is the outer layer but it isn’t really the layer that you are interested in. It operates as a means of protection, just like the outside layer of the onion. It takes all the beating so the inside of the onion doesn’t have to. We use it that way, we hate the food and get mad at it, demonize it. The eating disorder fools us into thinking the dirty outer layer of the onion has to be gotten rid of, but it’s only the layer that hides the onion.

For those of us, that are known as addicts, who grew up emotionally deprived in our family of origin, often times a connection is formed with food at an early age. Food is the one thing in our lives that does not cause us pain. In fact, as a child nothing is more comforting than I bowl of blue bell ice cream, or sometimes a chilled can of condensed milk with a spoon to be enjoyed while sitting on the cold linoleum kitchen floor. Food won’t ever tell us no, give us the message that we are to be seen and not heard, or send us away in anger. Food does for us all of the things that we think our parents should do because young children associate love with never having to feel uncomfortable. When that uncomfort comes at the hands of our parents we believe we are unloveable. The emotional deprivation that occurs further connects us to developing a dependent relationship on food to help us feel better. Over time this connection grows so strong that any emptiness that we feel in our belly reminds us of feeling unloveable, a feeling we cannot allow ourselves to feel. This is where the incessant longing to be loved turns into a incessant stuffing of our pain and to feel hunger at ANY time must be avoided.

Healthy relationships have two basic components: compatibility and accountability. Enjoying each others company is one thing, but being earnestly supported in a higher purpose is another. It’s something most people don’t take into consideration when looking for a mate, but when they share a higher purpose they become more compatible. Accountability being loosely defined as an environment of unfiltered debate with all personal issues set aside. Challenges to ideas and behavior are in the best interest of helping the individual be fulfilled in their higher purpose.   Sprinkle these relationships into your daily/weekly structure and you will grow. Growth being dependent upon a realistic goal: emotional, physical, spiritual.

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an addiction or mental illness?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another person, attempting to control others, blaming others, feeling a sense of victimization, attempting to “fix” others, and having intense anxiety around intimacy. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.

Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity and lethargy are evident in many codependents.

Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.

Is the person drinking/drugging more now than he or she did in the past?

Do you worry about how much someone drinks/drugs?

Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking/drugging?

Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking/drugging?

Do you feel if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking for you?

Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?

Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker/drug abuser?

Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you?”

Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?

Are you secretly afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking/drugging bout?

Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s/ drug user’s behavior?

Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

Have you considered calling the police for help, for fear of abuse?

Do you search for hidden alcohol/drugs?

Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking/drugging?

Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to to protect the drinker?

Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker/drug user?

Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?

Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

Do you feel like your life is on hold or your relationship is stagnet because someone else will not change the ammount of time spent drinking/drugging?

If you answered “Yes” to any three of these questions, then there is a good chance that you are in a relationship with someone who has an alcohol and/or drug problem.

If you have lived in or are currently living in a family where someone abuses drugs or alcohol you may have learned some negative coping behaviors and feel unfulfilled in your relationships. Families are a system made up of many parts and if one part of that system stops functioning well other parts of the system begin to compensate. For example, where there are alcoholics, there are spouses, relatives and friends who affect and are affected by alcohol-related behaviors. Chemical abuse/dependency is not just one person’s problem it a problem for the entire family system. For the family and relationships to change, all family members must confront the behaviors and the current coping patterns.

Partners in addiction-troubled relationships often have difficulty expressing either anger or intimacy (and frequently both). Alcoholics, unable to express anger directly, resort to drinking to express frustration and rage. They unknowingly drown their anger, as well as their sorrows, in a bottle. The mounting anger and resentments also can lead to sexual dysfunction as a further defense against intimacy.

Fear usually prevents alcoholic couples from talking about the drinking and any underlying problems. Couples often fear that risking a confrontation will lead to the end of the relationship. However, when people are busy having a relationship with a drug they are not available for intimate relationship with a partner. Getting educated about the affects of addiction on the family system, having the understanding-knowledgeable support of an addiction counselor, and direct but caring intervention on the current family system can begin to heal broken relationships affected by chemical abuse or dependency.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS

If you grew up in a chemically dependent family, you may have learned how to be the “perfect” child to avoid conflict. If you think one of your parents has or had a problem with drugs or alcohol you probably learned in your family to put other people’s needs before your own. Children with drinking or drugging parents often learn to recognize the feelings of others instead of recognizing their own feelings. Family members develop what is called a chemically dependent family system because if a parent has a problem with alcohol or drugs, then the rest of the family will adjust to that person’s moods and behaviors. A child may work hard to try to control the family environment, even instructing siblings on how to behave to keep from upsetting Mom or Dad.

Chemically dependent families have four common, destructive traits. They are:

1. Denial. Denial is the common denominator in every chemically dependent family. Chemically dependent parents deny their addictions and their children are encouraged to cover it up to deny it, too. They grew up learning that the family did not talk about its problems. If the family did not deal with feelings, individuals may not learn how to deal with them either.
2. Guilt. Children get the message that they are responsible for the behavior of their chemically dependent parent. They feel the blame for their family’s pain, and that it is in their power to control what happens in their family. The guilt over their inability to control the family will stop only when they drop the notion they are responsible for it. Children need to experience their own feelings, and not feel guilty about having feelings, whether it be anger, sorrow, shame or happiness.
3. Fear of anger. As children in chemically dependent families grow up, they often have difficulty in expressing what they want in relationships. They never learned they can express anger without losing a relationship or making people uncontrollably upset. Children need to understand that their frustration or anger did not cause Mom or Dad to drink or use drugs — it was a parent’s own problems and insecurities. Likewise, children need to understand that expressing their own needs and anger in other relationships will not turn their friends to drugs or alcohol. In a healthy relationship, people can talk about their wants and needs and can work together to find workable solutions to their problems.
4. Unhealthy relationships. As adult children of alcoholic parents they often become involved with people who are cold and unfeeling because their chemically dependent parent was unable to respond to their emotional needs. People growing up with an addicted parent tend to form over-involved, enmeshed relationships, often with chemically dependent people. Very often they too have problems related to alcohol and other drugs.

To establish healthy relationships, people must learn to reject the overriding family myth that taking care of others is more important than taking care of themselves. Self-protection and appropriate self-interest is not “selfish.” Adolescents need to accept their own vulnerability to drugs. Family involvement with those substances puts them at greater risk for becoming chemically dependent themselves. Many adolescents with chemically dependent parents will test their ability to drink or experiment with drugs again and again if they do not come to terms with the increased danger involved.

When people learn they cannot control other people, when they no longer feel guilt from expressing anger, and when they learn that taking care of themselves is a healthy approach to life, they have begun to “own” their feelings, to be their own person, and to take charge of their life. If they have difficulty with relationships, with being “co-dependent,” with challenging their chemically dependent family, perhaps they should consider therapy.

If you find the answer is “yes” to even two or three of these questions, you should seriously consider the possibility that your alcohol or drug use is a problem.

Have you ever felt you should cut down on, or try to control (successfully or unsuccessfully) your drinking or drug use?

Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking or drug use?

Do you ever take a morning eye-opener to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover? Do you use prescription drugs more often than prescribed? Have you ever asked more than one doctor to prescribe a drug for you?

Are alcohol or drugs sometimes more important than other things in your life: family, job, school, values?

Do you find yourself lying to your spouse, your kids, your friends or your employer, to cover up your drinking or drug use?

Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

Have you had problems connected with drinking or drug use during the past year (DUI, DWI, PI, lost work or school days, missed appointments, financial problems, auto or other accidents)?

Are those around you annoyed by or concerned about your substance use? Are you annoyed by their concern?

Have you gone to work or driven a car while intoxicated, high, or in a drug-induced haze?

Do you need to resort to chemical assistance in order to do something (start the day, work) or to change how you feel (sad, anxious, angry)?

Do you notice you need more alcohol or more of your drug in order to get a reaction or paticular feeling?

Do you panic when you have to be where booze or drugs will not be available?

Do you sometimes carry booze or drugs around with you?

Do you wake up the morning after with no or limited memory of the night before?

Do you do things while under the influence that you wouldn’t do otherwise?

Have you ever thought that your life might be better if you didn’t drink or take drugs?

Has a doctor found signs of alcohol damage and warned you to stop drinking?

Have you recovered from your Thanksgiving hangover? A little too much turkey and stuffing, maybe a little too much family, maybe a little too much football? Should you buy stock in the company that makes Alka Seltzer?

Interested in knowing what healthy eaters do to stay healthy?

Healthy eaters…

* Listen to their bodies, not their neuroses
* Cultivate emotional nourishment
* Don’t expect food to meet their emotional needs
* Maintain physical and mental energy for activities and responsibilities
* Gauge hunger and fullness cues to determine portion sizes
* Stop when they’re satisfied but before they’re FULL
* Dine instead of feed (turn on some music, light a candle, have a conversation…)
* Enjoy their meals instead of inhaling the food
* Don’t eat in front of the TV
* Eat fresh foods instead of processed foods
* Consume a variety of foods and food groups
* Don’t eliminate any particular food or food group
* Eat whole grains
* Enjoy nuts, seeds, and beans
* Eat the bulky, fibrous foods first
* Eat more vegetable fats than animal fats
* Eat plenty of vegetables
* Enjoy sweets in small quantities (maybe a bite or two, only) because they don’t want to overdo, not because they can’t have them
* Allow themselves to eat out
* Eat their favorite foods in moderation
* Eat regular meals
* Snack as necessary
* Try new foods

Healthy eating tip:

* Count your bites – the average person can find satisfaction with about 12-15 bites of food. Find out the right number of bites for you (do the count when you’re sitting down to a meal, but not famished or emotionally starved). Estimate that amount as you load your plate. Two or three bites of each item and you’re golden.

Healthy eating is a lot easier than you think! It should be a positive and
enjoyable experience. So enjoy your holidays. Dine with friends and family. And savor every bite.